I’ve always wondered how some people have so much confidence. They come across as the source of all knowledge. They are the self proclaimed best football player on the team, they are the best looking, greatest singer or the manager that without him the company would close down in a heartbeat and all the while they are telling the world how it is and how it should be we think to ourselves. What a bullshiter, blagger and big head.
I’ve always wondered where they get their powers from. Who gives it to them how much did they pay. Who sells the powers of self confidence. To be honest I’m still not sure but it leaves me feeling that I wish I had more of it.
I’ve always suffered from low self confidence which has manifested itself in many many ways. I think that my past relationship problems stemmed from that and my lack of success in business also suffered. I could put a lot of my insecurities down to low self confidence but before I jump of the highest bridge let’s not be to hard on one self. So where does low confidence start.
The Start of Low Confidence / Self Esteem
Peter and Jane Book 1a
It all starts from childhood and in the smallest of ways. Imagine your learning to read. I remember being called to the front of class and and reading out aloud a Peter and Jane book. You start to read and you get stuck. You feel the pressure of your classmates looking at you. You’re trying to sound out the words but you can not do it. I remember my teacher telling me I was stupid and why I couldn’t read. Sound it out I can hear her say. “C A T” cat she barks out. I repeat C A T cat. Next word….. “D O G” I start to Phonetic out the word but before i’m done “Whack” I’m hit on the hand with a wooden ruler. From this point on I believed i was stupid and could not learn to read. I remember the class I was in and where it was. I can smell the room and can feel the fear of failure.
The more she tried to make me read the more I would shut down and the more I would get hit. In the end she gave up trying to teach me. I was branded slow and retarded. My parents were called to the school for a meeting with the headmistress. I remember sitting outside the office as my mother was told that I had a mental problem and needed to see a psychiatrist. As my mother walked me home after the meeting she was crying and trying to understand what was wrong with me. Now she believed I was stupid. Years later I remember applying for a job working for a car dealership as a car salesman. I got the job and when I told my mother about it she said these words.. “How can you be a car salesman when you can’t read or write” What a blow. I was shocked and stunned. Then the fear started to set in. Yeah she is right. How i’m I going to sell cars. I’m stupid. I can’t read or write properly. I can’t do calculation. What have I done.
1990 Nissan Micra
The fear of embarrassment was so great that it lead me to memorise complex calculations in order not to look stupid. At the time I was selling nissan. One of the top selling cars in the range was a mirca
To this day and remember the how much the list price was and how much deposit was and the monthly payments .
List Price £5824.00
Deposit £1164.00
Balance £4659.20
£187.66 per month over 36 months
the interest rate was 15% flat PA
Customer would come in wanting a mica and within seconds I was telling them how much it cost per month. I sold a lot of Micras. Getting the job as a salesman really changed my life. For the first time felt I was good at something but the self doubt was always there in the background. To this days it’s there tapping me on the shoulder.
I battle with my insecurities and in lots of ways, the things i do now are to battle against those deep seated feeling of low self worth. Even this blog is a symbol of rebellion.
I know my grammer is terrible and my spelling is even worse but I’m not going to let that get in my way and in there lies the medicine for recovery.
To Be Continued……..
